Today, I was told by three different guys that I was beautiful and I didn't believe them. Now, before you think this is some body image post let me say that I am beautiful. I'm not all worried that I have no value, so we can relax on that front. I just mean that I didn't believe that they meant it, or that if they did mean it, I don't think they meant it in that moment.
The first was in the road. A guy I've seen in the past stated that he remembered me and wanted my name. When I didn't ask for his name he said I should ask for it. When he told me his name was "Candy" I told him it sounded made up. When he said he wanted to talk and give me a ride into Puerto Plata I said no thanks because I was walking. He said, "Okay, well you are beautiful." I snickered and walked away. I am beautiful, but he didn't mean it that way.
Later, as I am standing under a cosa with some guys I hear it again. We started out debating my nationality. It turns out that being Dominican is less about being born here and speaking Spanish, and more about living here for a hot minute and having the right skin color. (Thanks again for the skin mom and dad.) After we settle the debate about my need for a moto because I had decided I was going for a walk I took off. Turns out I'm crazy because it was still sprinkling, but also, as I walked away a guy shouted to remind me that I am also buuuuutiful. Thanks random man. I believe you, too.
The third was VERY similar. I was walking and the "rain" when a Honda Accord pulled up. Clean, shiny, showing off the money it's owner held. I've seen this before. In high school a friend used to pick me up every day as I walked down the road to work. Here though, it's sometimes creepy. Mr. Smooth invited me into his car. I said no. He told me it was raining. I told him I was taking a walk. He told me to get in. I started walking away. He told me I was beautiful. I rolled my eyes.
It used to make me feel good if someone told me I was beautiful. At least, I think it did. I know I didn't, and then someone let me believe it, but then all the fallacy began and I regressed. Now, I don't believe they mean it at all. What are you guys doing? I guess it works or else they'd stop. I have to wonder if I'm going to believe it when it matters. When someone actually cares for me and wants me to know it.
Is it possible to hear how beautiful you are too often to believe it? Is it just because it's from so many people? Is this what Emma Watson feels like?